How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
