You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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