the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
