You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
