i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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