fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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