My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
