If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
