Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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