every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
