he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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