i may or may not be watching the land before time
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Church boner. Awkwardddd
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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