this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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