Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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