I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
