I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
