Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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