I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
