Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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