Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
