You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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