Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
