just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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