had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
