Where is the hickey?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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