i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
