My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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