I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
