A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
