So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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