I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
