hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
