She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
