I think im going to throw up on grandma
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
