my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sarcasm needs its own font
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
