Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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