Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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