If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I look better un-naked...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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