Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
two words...techno handjob
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
