My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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