Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
