i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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