You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
