I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize