do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You dont lie about slip and slides
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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