I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
