just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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