have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
