You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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