I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
