Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
