she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
