Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
