You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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