When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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