I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
