so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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